Thoughts Along the Way

Free Mother's Day Card!

2009-04-28T18:53:00.002-05:00

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Sometimes I Just Have To Laugh

2009-03-21T12:56:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the situations in which I find myself. Tonight was one of those times.

It's Friday evening and I'm at Bloom, pushing a massive grocery cart. Behind me is Seema, my older (60s?) friend from Pakistan, pushing her own massive grocery cart. Behind her is RoseAnn, a heavyset grandmotherly type woman with gray hair who likes to talk a lot. She, too, is pushing a large grocery cart. As we caravan through the store I look back and see Seema munching on Potato Chips which she has not yet purchased. "I'M HUNGRY!" she announces, loud enough for anyone nearby to hear. I can't help but chuckle to myself.

These are a couple of the women I work with. We're all out food shopping for an upcoming Parent Resource Room event. Not exactly a Friday evening out on the town, but it makes my heart happy. :)

More Lenten Reflections

2009-03-16T20:49:00.006-05:00

There is a wonderful, gifted teacher at the school where I work. Her son, Paul, has spina bifida. Recently she shared with me (somewhat perplexedly) about Paul's deep faith in Jesus. At my request, she gave me a copy of an article in which her priest references Paul. This excerpt from the Arlington Catholic Herald speaks to a deep place in my heart. Fr. Peterson writes:

There is a graduate student at Marymount who has developed a deep faith and trust in God, and is an inspiration to many of us on campus. He is confined to a wheelchair because he has spina bifida, a spinal cord birth defect that leaves those afflicted with it paralyzed in various ways. This young man is paralyzed from the waist down. He got involved with campus ministry in a variety of ways during his undergraduate years, beginning as a volunteer in our office.

This amazing young man has endured countless trials in his life, most of them connected with his condition. He has also had to endure the death of his father following a four year battle with cancer. Throughout these last five years his faith has become strong and deep. He recently spoke to students at an event on campus about disabilities and faith. He explained that his belief in God and his acceptance of God’s love for him has made all the difference in the world to him. He has been strengthened to completely surrender his life to God and to trust that Our Lord has a special plan for his life. While he still dreams about being able to walk one day, he said that his faith in God is the factor that has enabled him to be strong in the face of his challenges, generous with his time in service of others, patient with those around him who often misunderstand him, and hope-filled while embracing the cross of living with spina bifida. The faith of this young man is truly inspirational on so many levels.

This Lent, let us pray earnestly and ask God to deepen our faith in His love and His loving plans for us, especially when they do not make sense to us. Let us seek the grace to embrace our crosses and allow them to increase our virtue and be a channel of God’s strength. Let us find great inspiration in the lives of those around us and those who have gone before us like Abraham to be men and women of deep faith in Almighty God.

If that last paragraph doesn't nail it, I don't know what does.

Reflecting on Ash Wednesday

2009-03-11T20:38:00.025-05:00

I didn't grow up in a highly liturgical faith tradition. Consequently, at 27, this was the first year I participated in an Ash Wednesday service. I found it quite meaningful to have ashes smudged on my forehead while hearing the words, "Remember, O woman, that you are dust and to dust you will return." During a moment of reflection that night, I wrote,

Self sufficient?

There is a sense in which this his nothing more than an outright lie

Show me the man who thinks he is self-sufficient and I will ask him,

"From where does your next breath come?"

As I sit here,

watching smoldering flames

dwindling to coals, then ash,

I think of Hil's mom

on her deathbed...

Woman, you leave behind loved ones

surprised by your sudden departure;

you leave behind tears, aching hearts -

a poignant reminder taht nothing can be taken for granted.

Soon I will follow you.

I am dust

and to dust I will return.

This season, I am continually impressed by the fragility of life and the fact that we can take nothing for granted. We must hold loosely. We're not entitled to anything. It's all here today, gone tomorrow. I find Solomon's words resonating in my heart: "Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

Yancey, summarizes a similar sentiment well in his chapter on the book of Ecclesiastes in The Bible Jesus Read: "Our best attempts backfire. We learn to prolong life, yet fail to provide meaning for the people permanently attached to the whirring machines – and so Kevorkians arise with alternative solutions. We bring antibiotics to underdeveloped countries, only to see the infant mortality rates plummet, populations soar, and the specter of famine rear up. We dump a hundred billion dollars into a War on Poverty and end up with more poor people than ever before."

Yancey goes on to offer this commentary on Solomon's words in the book of Ecclesiastes, "Somehow, the teacher counsels at the end, take the leap of faith and believe that there is a God, and that this life will make sense one day: when the eternity in our hearts will find its Sabbath rest, when the burden of the gods will settle on our resurrected shoulders with a bearable lightness of being."

Most of the time I believe this. Sometimes I succumb to doubt.

Witch Hazel Evangelist

2009-01-27T10:05:00.003-05:00

I know it's kind of lame to not post for a while and then, when I do post, write about something as trivial as this, but I just have to share the wealth with ma girls. Ladies, Witch Hazel is my new amazing facial care discover! The hell with Mary Kay and Arbonne and all of these other pricy products. A $4.19 bottle of Witch Hazel does the trick. It's a 100% natural cleanser and toner in one. Try it and let me know what you think.

Winter Break in a Nutshell

2009-01-02T23:06:00.023-05:00

1/1/09, ~8:00 am:

As I write, my bus is departing South Station. I am exchanging the grandeur of one great city (Boston), for the grandeur of another (D.C.), though I live in the heart of neither. Welcome to 2009, Jen.

My vacation started out with a bang. 15 minutes after departing the station in D.C., my bus broke down. 2 hours on the side of the road and a few phone calls later, I said "goodbye" to my newfound Belgian Professor friend and "hello" (again) to my buddy, Ryan, who had dropped me off that morning. Ryan graciously agreed to transport me from point "breakdown" to point "pick up", where my generous friends, Matt and Kendra, who were traveling to NH by car, would collect me a few hours later. In between, Ryan and I had time to grab a yummy Chinese meal as well as a cup of coffee and discuss how people change/grow/get beyond the crap in their past. As always, it was an enlightening time of verbal processing. Fun car time with matt and Kendra followed. I was delighted to find kindred spirits who enjoy playing "2 Truths and a Lie" as much as I do. Gotta' love the life-long influence of youth ministry on a person... :)
So, that's how my winter break started. Other highlights included:

1. Snow!
I enjoyed a white Christmas and watching the flakes fall while I sat inside a warm house, nestled in front of the fireplace. I also enjoyed the fact that I would soon be returning to a warmer climate and would not have to endure four more months of this weather!

2. Wayfam Girls' Day Out

Mom, Meg and I spent a Saturday bonding over manicures, lunch out and shopping. It feels good to spoil yourself every once in a while; Mom's birthday and Christmas gifts provided the perfect excuse to do so!

3. Time with Friends

It used to be that when I came home I would try to squeeze in as much people-time as possible. I marvel at the way my socializing tendencies have changed. Ever since my time in Africa, I've noticed my introvert tendencies poking out in unexpected ways. I didn't get to see as many friends as I would have liked (partially because some folks were out of town for the holidays), but I'm so grateful for the time I did have with so many wonderful, quality people.

4. Paula's Cinnamon Roles

I ate THE ABSOLUTE BEST cinnamon roles I have EVER h ad in my ENTIRE life and then, was blown away when Paula surprised me with a batch of these made special for my mom's birthday breakfast.

5. Mom's Birthday Breakfast

Complete with the presence of Aunt Sheri and Ryan (Meg's boyfriend)

6. Late Night conversations with my dear, dear sister

7. Watching "The Tale of Despereaux"

A must see for all ages! My favorite quote: "Whenever you have hope, you're never really anybody's prisoner."

8. Watching old family movies with my family

Though, I must admit that while the flicks made me laugh harder than I have in a while, there was a deep twinge of embarrassment mixed in with the laughter. (Were we really that lame? Was I smoking crack when I dressed myself? What was I thinking when I acted that way?)

Maybe it was the mixture of watching old family movies and being back in the land of past versions of myself that made going home both wonderful and, at times, depressing. In some ways I am the same old Jen I've always been; in other ways, I'm not. I think differently, I live differently, I relate to people differently, and (thank God!) I dress differently. I have history in this place. I have history and love and relationships and experiences that have shaped me and made me the woman I am today. There's a love here that will always be "home" for me. I will hold onto all that is good. But I do not need to be confined by my past failures, roles and paradigms...

As my bus journeys on toward NY on this fine day, January 1, 2009, I think about some of my goals and hopes for this next year: Join a gym and start exercising on a more regular basis...read through the Bible in one year. (Just kidding! I gave up on those darn reading plans a while ago. Somwhere around Leviticus I always drop out.) But seriously, I do want to make more sacred space in my life... work on being content...play music....start on my Master's degree...

The irony in all of this is that it's quite possible that 10-20 years from now I'll be watching old home movies of myself, now, (in whatever technological form they may take) and think, Was I really that lame? Was I smoking crack when I dressed myself? What was I thinking when I acted that way?

Making Up For Lost Time

2008-11-01T22:12:00.004-05:00

As a kid I attended more than my fair share of lame church Harvest Parties, which were meant to serve as some kind of substitute for Trick-or-Treating. Let me tell ya, there's nothing like dressing up as a bible character and eating donuts off a string… It was better than nothing, yet still left something to be desired.

This year for Halloween, I decided it was time to start making up for lost fun. On Friday night I went Trick-or-Treating with friends’ kids. I selflessly (wink, wink) helped “lighten the load” whenever the candy buckets became too heavy to carry as we went door-to-door collecting the goods. I also helped pass out candy to the kids who came to our door(s). Tons of fun! Though, I must admit, I was amazed at how many kids skipped the “Trick or Treat” line all together and simply made a mad dash for the candy. A bit disheartening, but not enough to dampen my spirits!

Tonight I went to a Halloween party at another friend’s house dressed, from head to toe, as a cat. This was never my intention! I was merely looking for a simple mask to wear. Somehow I ended up in a skin-tight, leopard body suit which I ended up wearing all night long! I’m placing all blame on my friend, Tina, for this one. However, I must admit, it feels good to be making up for lost time. :)

Pictures of Grace

2008-10-26T14:32:00.007-05:00

This morning I went to New Hope Fellowship, a small church gathering made up of homeless/low income folks who meet at the Green Briar Community Center. What a beautiful picture of grace, freedom and uninhibited worship! I was reminded of the heart of the gospel in a way I have been missing for a long time. There was no pretense here, no social hierarchy games, no need to have it all together… rather a deep, joyful, simple, overwhelming sense of grace.

Mike took a smoke break in the middle of the service.

The girl to the left of me was wearing sweatpants.

A number of people were reading out of turn on the responsive reading.

We sang along with a DVD.

Someone whose name I can’t remember informed me that he was already putting together a sermon for the next time he got a chance to preach. The topic: “We have to be thankful for the little things.”

Baby Madison was to be baptized during this service, so the sermon was on baptism. I couldn’t help but remember the words of my friend Mark from the Boston Rescue Mission as he reflected on his own baptism a few years earlier, “Something about a new beginning sounded good to me...” In a past season of my life, I used to volunteer at the Boston Rescue Mission. I was reminded this morning of how much I miss this kind of environment and further, how much I need to be in this kind of environment - otherwise I’m prone to miss this grace thing completely.

All You Have to do is Call

2008-10-13T08:19:00.003-05:00

“Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call, and I’ll be there…You’ve got a friend.” – Carole King

In my short, ten-year driving career, I seem to have had more than my fair share of car trouble, which might have something to do with the fact that I’m always driving used cars that are usually at least ten years old. At any rate, living in NH and having car trouble was a pain in the arse, but I always knew there was someone I could call: Dad. I recall a certain 2am phone call after I blew a rod through my engine on the highway. Dear old Dad, my Knight in shining armor, awoke from his slumber and drove an hour and half to come and pick me up.

Now I live in Northern VA, near DC. Sometimes I think about this fact and feel like an incredibly strong, independent, liberated woman out here on my own. And then, inevitably, something will happen – as it did last night – that brings me right back to a place of humility and healthy dependence. Yesterday afternoon my car started acting funny. At first, I thought I’d imagined it, but no, there was definitely a hiccup when I tried to accelerate. Gradually it became more pronounced until my check engine light came on. By now dusk was giving into darkness and I found myself on the side of an unfamiliar road, with no flashlight and no extra oil. What to do? Who to call? My friend, Matt, mechanic extraordinaire, was one of the first names to come to mind. He picked up right away and walked me through several under-the-hood checks in an effort to diagnose the problem. Then he called our friend, Mike, who graciously agreed to pick up some oil (though we later discovered that was not the problem) and come get me. Eventually we got the car home. First thing this morning I received a text from Matt, checking to make sure I made it home ok and letting me know that he was going to get his “card reader” (whatever that is) to help me diagnose the problem.

As I unwind the past day, I can’t help but gather in all the goodness and light in gratitude. It means the world to me to be stuck on the side of the road and know that there are friends I can call.

My Italian Mama

2008-09-22T17:37:00.005-05:00

I don't know why my mother includes me on some of her email forwards. God, I love that woman, but sometimes I wonder what she's thinking! Last night she sent me some inciting fwd going on and on about how, "This is the scariest election we as Christians have ever had to face, and from the looks of the polls, the Christians aren't voting Christian values!"

I'm an idiot. I hit "reply all" and wrote: "Another perspective to keep in mind while we pray: http://www.brianmclaren.net/archives/blog/why-im-voting-for-obama-and-why.html" And now it's me against the world (of my mom's friends). Received this reply: "Another perspective. See video at www.catholicvote.com" To which I responded (excerpt): "With all due respect, my purpose in replying to all with the pro-Obama link was simply to suggest that being a solid Christian who votes 'Christian values' is NOT necessarily synonymous with voting Republican (as the language in the initial email would seem to suggest). I am for life - absolutely. But I do NOT relegate my 'pro-life' stance solely to the issue of abortion. When we unpack the buzzword 'moral issues' we have to be honest; we have to affirm life everywhere we see it: in the homeless man on the street, in the child soldier in Uganda, in the welfare mom, in the immigrant child who has no papers to prove citizenship... When I take ALL of these issues into account, I may very well end up voting for Obama. Does that make me any less of a Christian? Does that mean I care any less about 'moral issues' and 'Christian values'? Just my two cents. Take it for whatever it's worth!" I almost added, "Constantine tried to regulate morality with less than stellar results. I dare say, we would do well to learn from history." but thought better of it.

I'm not big on politics. I'm beginning to think I should have just kept my thoughts to myself, but I'm in the middle of this now so might as well go all the way.

These Days

2008-09-14T15:31:00.007-05:00

I’ve been waiting for the right time - an inspirational moment - to get back into the swing of things with my blog entries. Between last night and today, I’ve been apprehended by two seemingly intertwined “blog worthy” reflections:

#1
Today we celebrated and baptized two of our youngest members at Common Table Church: Madeline and CJ. This beautiful, interactive service really touched me. Among other things, some of the words Mike spoke as a blessing over CJ struck a chord in my heart: “And like Jacob, may you wrestle with God and all of the questions that a genuine relationship with God brings. May you bring your whole self to God, to bathe naked in the stream of God’s grace, and to learn to flow with that love and energy. And too, may you welcome others into these same waters.”

#2
As I was going through my mail last night, I was thrilled to open a large envelope from my friend, Naomi, containing a copy of a beautiful piece she had painted. I can’t even begin to detail the shit that Naomi has been through in her life, suffice to say, her brother is currently in prison awaiting trial; he will receive either life or a death sentence. Perhaps it’s because I know some of the back story on this painting that I am so touched by it:

Naomi included a note:
“Jen, I’m so glad my painting has touched you…The painting is titled, “Arms of Love”. I hope that whether in good times or bad that you will often feel the Lord’s loving arms tighten around you and hold you close…”

1 + 2 =
Indeed, wrestling with God and questioning seems, to me, to be a vital part of trying to live out a genuine relationship with Him. In the absence of answers and in the midst of wrestling, sometimes it’s comforting to simply know that “God weeps too”.

I know this is such a melancholy note on which to re-enter the blogging scene, but it’s real, and it’s what I’m thinking about these days.

Weakness in the Christmas Story

2007-12-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

Last Christmas, after spending a good deal of time in the academic world, I was struck with the portion of the Christmas story involving the wise men. I connected with the fact that God appeared to the learned and the wise and that He calls us to love him with our minds --not ignore them in the name of "faith".

In stark contrast, this year I am captured by the underlying theme of weakness that we find woven throughout the narrative of the incarnation. If I were to freeze-frame scenes in which I find weakness in the Christmas story, I would highlight the following characters at distinct points as this drama unfolds:

Elizabeth - barren, old, frail; ostracized for her empty womb...

Zachariah - an honorable priest; struck mute, unable to communicate in spoken word due to his lack of faith...

Shepherds - humble men of humble means; scared shitless in their fields at the sudden the appearance of angels...

Mary - a very pregnant, young, working class girl; riding on a donkey as her contractions begin...

Joseph - a new husband, a carpenter with rough hands; suddenly forced to play "midwife" in a stable...

Jesus - a helpless little baby wrapped in rags; sucking at his mother's breast...

Indeed, baby Jesus is the epitome of weakness. (Though, admittedly, the question "How much heaven and how much earth were in this baby at his birth?" has been widely debated.)

This year I relate to weakness, and I am grateful beyond belief for these scenes that call to me from the Christmas story. I take comfort in these scenes because there is, I believe, a paradoxical strength to be found in and through weakness -- even if we can't see it at the time. Weak, dependant, helpless little baby Jesus gets me. Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting father, Prince of Peace became weak. He gives me strength; He makes me strong.

[Jesus], being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

- Phil. 2:6-11

awayinafrica

2007-11-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

Thanks for checking in. I've temporarily moved! You can now find me at: www.awayinafrica.org.
Hope to see you there!

Dumpster Diving with Dee

2007-10-10T11:50:00.000-05:00

It's really amazing (and quite disheartening) to think about all of the food that we throw away in our society while so many are in need... With this in mind, I've joined the ranks of dumpster divers! My friend Dee and I had fun staking out a certain restaurant chain that is known for its bread. Every night P______ throws away bags of bagels, loaves, pastries etc. that have not sold. There's nothing else in these bags (no trash) -- just bread items. Dee and I retrieved 4 huge fresh-tossed bags. We organized the bread items into Ziplock freezer bags, filled the freezer and shared with our friends. Yum!

Yes!

2007-09-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday I had the pleasure of celebrating with several friends from Common Table as they were baptized. This prayer, from Walter Brueggermann, really struck a chord in my heart:

Yes

Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth

You are the God who is simple, direct, clear with us and for us.
You have committed yourself to us.
You have said yes to us in creation
yes to us in birth,
yes to us in baptism,
yes to us in our awakening this day.

But we are of another kind,
more accustomed to "perhaps, maybe, we'll see,"
left in wonderment and ambiguity.

We live our lives not back to your yes,
but out of our endless "perhaps."

So we pray for your mercy this day that we may live yes back to you,
yes with our time,
yes with our money,
yes with our sexuality,
yes with our strength and with our weakness,
yes to our neighbor,
yes and no longer "perhaps."

In the name of your enfleshed yes to us,
even Jesus who is our yes into your future. Amen.

Walter Brueggemann, from Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann

Ghetto Rite Aid

2007-09-04T11:10:00.000-05:00

I went to the ghetto Rite Aid drugstore in Arlington this morning. Outside, the building was a bit run down and a few shabbily dressed Hispanic immigrants hung around; inside an imposing figure wearing a badge marked “security” stood in the corner with his arms folded across his chest and a stern face that wouldn’t crack a smile. After returning my item, I left and got into my car to drive away. As I exited the parking lot, I noticed a number of Hispanic men standing around, sitting on crates, waiting for someone to come by and offer them cheap, under the table, day labor. I drove on, feeling uncertain and unable to offer any meaningful help. A few hundred yards away I noticed a church with a huge sign posted in its front yard broadcasting “English Lessons” at a certain time each week. This, I think, is what the gospel is all about. This, I think, is the kind of church activity at which Jesus must smile.

“ The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD."

-Jesus, Luke 4:16-22

Perhaps I should go to the ghetto Rite Aid more often.

My Latest Adventures

2007-08-26T21:54:00.001-05:00

tireswing
Originally uploaded by awayindc

I’m loving this opportunity to live with my friends in N. VA. I feel like it’s preparing me for a smoother transition into life in Tanzania (where I’ll be living in a village and will spend much of my time with children and families).

A few days ago I took the kids to the library. I can understand why Dee likes to keep these trips as short as possible. 8 Library books, 2 videos and multiple reminders to “use our inside voices” later, we piled back into the Doan's classic soccer mom minivan and headed to Starbucks for a “surprise”. I had a blast showing off these adorable kids! The boys enjoyed “blueberry milkshakes” for a few minutes before Keenan loudly announced our departure, yelling “Bye! Bye!” to anyone who cared to listen.

Starbucks treats in hand (I rewarded myself for a successful library trip with a cup of coffee,) we headed to Office Depot to make a few quick purchases. We didn’t make it to the checkout before Ethan started doing his “I have to pee” dance (translation: “I have to pee NOW”). My first response was to silently wonder why he couldn’t have decided he needed to pee a few minutes earlier, when we were at Starbucks and had easy bathroom access. No matter. I dropped my shopping basket and flagged down an attendant to ask where we might be able to take care of this bathroom emergency. Thankfully, relief was to be found at the back of the store. As I guided Ethan along, Keenan seemed to be enjoying life at his own pace – he dawdled along behind us, blueberry milkshake held in both hands, clunking with each step in the yellow rain boots that he insists on wearing all the time. What a scene! We made it to the bathroom in time. Great success. :)

After taking care of our bathroom emergency, we reclaimed our basket of goods and headed to the check out. By this time the blueberry milkshakes were finished and the boys were getting finicky. Thankfully, we didn’t have to wait long in line. As we headed out the door, Keenan once again loudly announced our departure, yelling “Bye! Bye!” to anyone who cared to listen.

We headed home. Two minutes after walking in the door, I found myself sub-consciously humming one of the kids’ songs we were listening to in the van as we traveled. I didn’t realize this until Dee remarked, “Catchy, isn’t it?” Yeah....I guess so. Two days later I still find myself humming the tune.

When we returned, I couldn’t help laughing as I recounted details of our afternoon excursion to Sam and Dee. These are my adventures of late. I’m loving it!

Mr. Iditarod

2007-07-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

“So, you’re going to Africa. What are you going to do?”
The question seemed simple enough. “Education - I’m going to teach,” I replied. “What are you going to do?” the older man sitting across the table from me questioned again. “I’m going to teach kids in villages,” I responded, hoping this time my explanation would make sense. No such luck. He threw the question at me once more, this time with greater force. “No, what are you going to do?” By this point I was starting to get a little frustrated, as were some of the other residents sitting around the dinner table at Crossroads House. I had joined my friends from the Intervarsity Graduate Group at UNH to serve a meal at Crossroads, a transitional homeless shelter in Portsmouth, NH. As I sat down and chatted with the residents over dinner, Mr. Iditarod (I call him that b/c he was wearing a teal blue Alaska Iditarod t-shirt and he never offered his name) seemed to enjoy questioning and challenging me.

I responded to his question a third time, offering more details, hoping this seemingly educated man would be satisfied with my response: “Education – I’m going to teach in outskirts villages in Tanzania with an organization called Village Schools International.” One of the residents sitting next to him piped in “She’s going to do general education,” trying to help me out by offering Mr. Iditarod her own explanation of my response.

“No. You’re not going to teach,” he asserted with an air of authority, “You’re going to learn.” This brisk, 65 year old, salt and pepper bearded, dogmatic man continued, “Too many people go over to Africa to teach – thinking they know it all...they don’t know anything. You’re going to learn.” I wasn’t sure how to respond. I expressed some words of agreement that didn’t appease his need to expound. Mr. Iditarod proceeded to tell me – and everyone else at the dinner table who cared to listen – that I was young and naive, and an idealist. And he’s right. He’s right about a lot of things.

If 25 is young, Mr. Iditarod is right.
If being a naive idealist means, as my friend Ken says, “believing/doing the impossible in spite of ourselves,” Mr. Iditarod is right.
If teaching in Africa is more about learning (and I would argue that it is), Mr. Iditarod is right.

"If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time,

but if you come because your liberation is bound up with mine,

then let us work together."
- Lilla Watson, Aboriginal Educator and Activist, Brisbane

Jesus Experiments

2007-07-14T10:12:00.000-05:00

I'm really enjoying the opportunity to connect with a small group of friends from Common Table in a gathering we have titled "64". This group, loosely based on the Beatle's song, "When I'm 64", is focused on examining our lives through the lens of these questions: "What will my life look like when I'm 64? What will I be known for? In what (or whom) will I have invested my time and resources?"

We kicked things off last month by reading through a gospel of our choosing as we walked through a cemetary. There's something about noting the brevity of human life while reading the words of Jesus... Then we got together to discuss our first experiment.

Mike wrote an excellent summary of our time together:
We had a nice time cooking together and catching up on life, and talking about our impressions from the graveyard walking and gospel-reading we've been doing. As we did so, a theme seemed to emerge: we've all been struck by just how engaged Jesus was with so many people. Sometimes superficially, and sometimes substantially, but seemingly quite intentionally at every turn. Too, we noted that though he certainly spent most of his time with the powerless and the poor, he also hung with some rich and powerful folks, and we spent some time pondering his enigmatic parable of the Shrewd Manager, and trying to see how we fit into this alternately wealthy and poor culture in Northern Virginia.
As we continued to talk, we noted how we tend to notice roles, rather than people. To not know our neighbors, or our co-workers, or the people with whom we interact and live among every day. We talked about our tendency to objectify the people whose job it is to serve us, and to objectify those who we are tasked to serve. To gloss over people, rather than to really connect with them. So our experiment is this: once a day, to pause to see a person, and then to find a way to show them mercy. We plan to write down at least three of these encounters over the next two weeks, so that we can share them when we get together.

I wasn't as regular with my experiments as I should have been, but I found myself surprised by the way some people responded to my humble attempts at "showing mercy". Here's one thing I'm realizing: most people in service-related fields don't expect you to notice them and they rarely expect empathy and mercy. In our consumer oriented culture, many people seem to expect to be treated as a commodity.

For me, much of this first experiment can be summed up in the African concept of ubuntu (a word that has it's origins in the Bantu languages of Southern Africa.) South Africa's Archbishop Desmond Tutu describes the concept of Ubuntu in this way:
"Ubuntu is the essence of being human. And in our language a person is ubuntu and unbuntu is a noun to speak about what it means to be human. In essence, it is something that you find especially in the Old Testament... We say a person is a person through other persons. You can't be human in isolation. You are human only in relationships..." (Vanity Fair, 2007)

Security is Mostly a Superstition

2007-07-12T07:35:00.000-05:00

My friend, Steph, has this great quote on her facebook site that I've decided I really like:

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -- Helen Keller

The other night I opened my door, sat in the entry way and watched a magnificent thunder and lightening storm. Thunder and lighting storms evoke a sense of awe in me; they make me feel pretty small, powerless and somewhat insignificant in the grand scheme of things; they shatter my illusions of control. I think I need this every once in a while.

I Don't Really Care for this Surrender Thing

2007-06-09T23:59:00.000-05:00

I've decided I don't really care for this surrender thing; I much prefer control. Surrender is such a process of letting go again and again. Ugh. I suck at it.

Last Sunday we incorporated a body prayer (compliments of my talented friend, Stacy) into the service at Common Table. Here’s an excerpt of the posture we were directed to assume as we prayed:

Stand up. Strong legs. Your feet grounded by the strength of the earth below. Your back and neck and head stretched toward the heavens. Look at your hands. Hold them up in front of your face—palms up. Open. Open to God and God’s nature. Open to whatever you are to receive. Open to give away that which you shall no longer hold on to.

As I assumed this posture, I was really struck by the seeming dichotomy of my actions – holding my hands open to receive from God, while also being open to give away that which I shouldn’t hold on to. Both elements resonate. I think much of life, or at least much of the Christian life, is lived within this tension.

"You're a little too saucy to be a nun."

2007-06-06T08:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I spent the afternoon at the Africa Faith and Justice Network (AFJN), putting the finishing touches on a project. AFJN is located in Brookland, a section of DC filled with Catholic institutions. On my way home, I noticed a little farmer's market near the Metro and decided to stop and buy some produce.

It didn't take long before I was in a conversation with a slightly eccentric guy from Licking Creek Bend Farm. After his mini soapbox speeches on fair trade coffee (i.e."Why can't Starbucks feature their fair trade coffee more than once a month?") and school lunches (i.e. "Why is eat we feed our children the worst food possible - especially in schools?") he asked what I did. I conveniently avoided the fact that I work at Starbucks part-time and told him I had just completed my degree in Family Studies and that I'm planning to go to Africa, to which he responded with the common sentiment, "There are so many problems here in the U.S...." I agreed and tried to smooth things over with some statement to the effect of, "Well, I guess we're all called to different things..." I suppose using the word "call" was a bit of Christianese, because he immediately tapped into this and asked, "Are you a nun?" (Yeah, me - in my wrap around India skirt and black tank top with visible tat - a nun? Not so much.) I responded a bit too quickly, "God, no! I think I like [the idea of] marriage (i.e. sex) a little too much to be a nun!" (Probably not the most tactful response because I really do have a great deal of respect for sisters, but that's what popped out of my mouth.) He quickly realized his mistake and before I could finish my sentence declared, "Yeah, you're a little too saucy to be [a nun]."

Speaking of Faith

2007-05-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

“We had all kinds of baggage from the church... you know recovering Evangelicals and disenchanted Catholics...and we just said ‘we’re going to stop complaining about the church that we’ve experienced and try to become the church that we dream of.'”
-Shane Claiborne

NPR's show Speaking of Faith explored New Monasticism in an interview with Shane Claiborne last week. Check it out here. Download the MP3 here.

By posting this, I am in no way suggesting that I've figured out how to "...become the church that we dream of." Yet I can't help but wonder, What happens when we stop defining church as the building in which we worship on Sunday mornings and start thinking of church as a body of people from every tongue, tribe and nation who put their hope in Christ? My friend, Matt, has some excellent thoughts on the subject.

Life as an Oil Painting

2007-05-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

I’ve begun to think of life as an oil painting. Let me explain. According to Wikipedia, “Most artists paint in layers...The first coat or "underpainting" is laid down first, painted normally with turpentine thinned paint...Many artists use this layer to sketch out the composition...After this layer dries, one way the artist might then proceed is by painting a "mosaic" of color swatches, working from darkest to lightest. The borders of the colors are blended together when the "mosaic" is completed. This layer is then left to dry before applying details. After it is dry, the artist will apply "glaze" to the painting, which is a thin, transparent layer to seal the surface. A classical work might take weeks or even months to layer the paint...”

There are a lot of layers of paint (i.e. people, experiences, influences, paradigms, beliefs, philosophies etc.) in this painting (i.e. my life, your life...). Each layer rests on an earlier coat; each stage [hopefully] gives birth to something deeper, clearer and more developed than before. All of these colors and layers meld together to reveal a beautiful painting in progress.

“So, how does it feel to be back?”

2007-05-19T22:15:00.001-05:00

Being back in NH feels like I’ve slipped into an old, comfortable, favorite pair of jeans I had forgotten about. The roads I drive, the people I interact with, the places where I spend my time... This is a comfortable, familiar, safe, loving environment – one that I will always treasure! But here’s the thing: I think I’ve lost a bit of weight since the last time I wore these “jeans". They don’t fit me the way they used to...or, perhaps, I don’t fit them the way I used to...

Sisters

2007-05-14T00:34:00.000-05:00

I’m not exactly sure when my little sister stopped being a spoiled brat and became one of my best friends, but somewhere between her running into my bed when scared at night and me running to her for fashion advice, this shift occurred. There is, without a doubt, a special bond between most sisters. It’s hard to explain... Meg just “gets me”, and I just “get her”, though we are two radically different people. I’m so grateful for this special bond that we share. This girl is invaluable!

Derek Webb Concert

2007-05-01T19:19:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I forget how much music unearths deep places in my heart -- places I forget, deny and ignore in the midst of the business of everyday life.

I went to a Derek Webb concert on Sunday night. It was my all time favorite kind of concert - a small venue, raw, unpolished music, lyrics that lodge themsevles in my head and demand my attention, such as...

"I don’t know the suffering of people outside my front door
and I join the oppressors of those I choose to ignore
I’m trading comfort for human life
and that’s not just murder its suicide
and this too shall be made right"
(From the song: This too shall be made right)

"I am so easily satisfied by the call of lovers less wild..."
(From the song: Wedding dress)

"there are two great lies that i've heard:

the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die

and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican

and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him"

(From the song: A king and a kingdom)

I also discovered a new, up-and-coming artist -- Alli Rogers. Part of what endeared her to me was a song she wrote/sang entitled "Tanzania". Definitely worth checking out.

So, I'm a "Generation Y Millenial"?

2007-04-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

I’m not real big on labels because I hate feeling boxed in, but I suppose they can serve as a useful tool for explaining, understanding and grouping people. I recently discovered that, depending on which definition one uses (some say the cut off date is 1982; some say 1980), I am a “Millennial."

This weekend I camped out on the National Mall with ~ 6,000 Millenials and a [select] few Gen-Xers. I felt like I was back in highschool, or youth ministry or something. You know you’re getting older when you are NOT a part of the crazy group of people up chanting and dancing around to the pulsating beat of djembe drums at 1:30AM and instead are the person having to make a conscious effort not to yell “SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!” Alas, the joy of youthful enthusiasm... Perhaps I’ve lost a bit of this, but I think there’s quite a bit still present in this “tail end Millenial.” Despite the lack of sleep, it was good to be part of the Displace Me event this past weekend and inspiring to see so many standing up as a voice for the voiceless.

So Saturday night I made my political statement and Sunday night I cheered Derek Webb on at Jammin’ Java as he sang, “We’ll never have a savior on Capitol Hill”. The irony of these two events, back-to-back amuses me. Pictures have been uploaded to flickr. :)

Sleeping out on the National Mall

2007-04-27T18:36:00.000-05:00

This weekend I will be sleeping out on the National Mall along with thousands of others. We are choosing to be "displaced" for one night as an act of solidarity with the Acholi people living in IDP (Internally Displaced Person) camps in Northern Uganda. Our hope is to make a statement (to the U.S. government, the media and the country) that will bring about change for the Acholi.

Thousands of Acholi children (most sources seem to indicate somewhere between 20,000-30,000) have been abducted to serve as child soldiers and sex slaves in what is known as The Lord's Resistance Army, a group of rebels fighting the Ugandan government for power. Further, a significant portion of the Acholi (most sources seem to indication 1.7-2 million people, approximately 80% of the population) have been removed from their homes and forced to live in "government protected" IDP camps. This has been going on for twenty years. It's time for the oppression to end.

There is a short A/V clip on Invisible Children's Displace Me web site that offers a thorough explanation of the situation in the IDP camps in Northern Uganda. Toward the end of this clip, James Otto, Executive Director of Human Rights Focus asserts, "Uganda government simply needs a very strong statement from the White House that this conflict has become a nuisance and it should be stopped..." He goes on to suggest, in his thick, beautiful African voice, "If US government decides that this conflict is ended and they desire it at breakfast, by dinner time it wouldn't be there."

In the gospel of Luke Jesus proclaims, "For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more" (Luke 12:48b). Lately, I've begun to redefine the "much" that I have been given. For me this concept refers to more than just material resources. I think the "much" that I have been given also includes components such as
a) Status - the fact that I'm an American citizen opens so many doors that are closed to others...
b) My voice (ability to vote, freedom of speech, life in a democratic nation etc.)
c) Experiences I've had (opportunities to travel, exposure to new ideas etc.)

Honestly, for better or worse, I'm not much of a political activist. But living in the DC area has been good for me; I've come to recognize and appreciate the importance of political advocacy. So it is with this in mind that I will sleep out on the National Mall tomorrow night and pray for relief for the Acholi in Northern Uganda.

More Adventures in DC

2007-04-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

My latest greatest adventure in DC involved dinner with Brian and Grace McLaren at their house. Crazy! They seem to be such wonderful, hospitable, down-to-earth people. It's so wild that I ended up in the position of dropping a new friend, Laci, off at their house and staying for dinner. What a fun experience! A Generous Orthodoxy has been sitting on my shelf for awhile now. I suppose it's time to start reading...

A Letter to the Coffee Consumer

2007-04-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Customer,

Hello and welcome to _____ (certain popular international coffee shop that begins with the letter "S")! I'm so glad you're here today. Here are a few things you should know before you speak to me, your loving barista:

1) I am a person too. I have feelings. I take great joy in being treated with respect.

2) If you are a teenager who cannot make up your mind, please figure out which frappaccino your friends ordered before coming to my counter and copying their order.

3) If you are a single or unhappily married middle-aged man with no life, I am NOT interested in you. Please do not be fooled by my smile and polite conversation; I am only doing my job.

4) I have a college degree. Working at a coffee shop is not synonymous with descriptors such as "drop-out", "deadbeat" and "unable to get a 'real' job", nor is it an excuse for you to treat me with any less dignity than another human being.

5) Thank you for getting off your *&#%$@! cell phone before ordering and hereby paying me the same courtesy you would expect if you were in my position.

6) If you feel frustrated and/or angered by the long line, consider the fact that we (your patient baristas) have probably been dealing with the line far longer than you have.

7) If you plan to ask me to stir your double-cupped, triple venti, 4 pump, nonfat, no foam, no whip, extra hot, white mocha, GET OVER YOURSELF! Please take a moment to contemplate the fact that millions of people around the world have NO CLUE where their next meal is coming from and reevaluate your request.

8) If I seem a little spacey and forget some portion of your order, it may be because there are far too many requests being made of me at once. Another possible explanation is that waking up at 4AM to brew YOUR coffee is catching up with me...

Thank you, and have a pleasant coffee drinking experience at _____ (certain popular international coffee shop that begins with the letter "S")!

Sincerely,
Your Barista

Going Around in Circles

2007-04-14T13:07:00.000-05:00

You know what I hate? I hate it when I think I'm improving in some area of struggle in my life and come to find out, it's only because I have been away from the circumstances that bring out the yucky side of me that I've "improved". This sucks. I imagine this is the exact same struggle of my dear friends in AA and NA. In rehab, out of the context that triggers substance abuse, there is often great "improvement". But reality is that life can be hard, dangerous, scary, empty... and it's so easy to return to old patterns; it's so hard to break away...

Help Stop the War in Uganda!

2007-04-09T10:28:00.001-05:00

Imagine every man, woman, and child in the DC area being forcibly evicted from their homes and transported to overcrowded camps...

Imagine a thousand people dying in those camps every week for 20 years...

What if there was someone who could stop it?

What if that someone was you?

On April 28th, you can…

For more information visit: Invisible Children - Displace Me

Prophets of a Future Not Our Own

2007-04-04T10:51:00.000-05:00

Oscar Romero,
Roman Catholic Bishop and companion of the poor in Latin America

It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view. The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work. Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us. No statement says all that could be said. No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession brings perfection. No pastoral visit brings wholeness. No program accomplishes the church’s mission. No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about: We plant seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for God’s grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

The Evangelical Question

2007-04-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

I think these past few months have been so good for me. For the most part, I've only worked 40 hours/week; I can't remember the last time I had so much undesignated time on my hands! Time to read, think, expose myself to other expressions of the Christian faith, reevaluate... Yes, this has been good.

Here's what I'm realizing: Among my evangelical friends, I'm usually the one "pushing the envelope" and not wanting to be considered "evangelical"; among my liberal/ecumenical-minded Christian friends, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm a bit more evangelical than I'd like to admit. And blogging about this (which, for some reason, I feel compelled to do) in a tactful way is a huge challenge!

Really, I'm after Orthodoxy, and I'm not sure I'm finding it wholly in either camp. (So maybe that means I'm only after orthodoxy I can accept, and maybe that isn't really orthodoxy...) I emailed a former pastor of mine to get his thoughts on the Evangelical question. I'm struck by this quote he included in his response to me:
The theology that is based on intellectual constructs and not on the direct experience of God is philosophy and not theology. It is a human creation that offers neither real knowledge of God nor peace to the heart. - Gregory Palamas, 14th century

As I am seeking and pursuing opportunities to serve in Africa over the next year, I find myself, once again, coming face to face with the question, Am I going to consider myself an evangelical Christian? Many of the [evangelical] organizations with which I have considered partnering require assent to their statement of beliefs. I’m not sure that I can, in good faith, do this. I guess I just don't understand why we can't simply stick to the Nicene and/or Apostle's Creed and let everything else be "up for grabs".

Now My DC Experience is Complete

2007-03-24T12:02:00.000-05:00

Rush hour traffic got the better of me this week. I got in a slight scrape with a big truck. Ah, well, I suppose now my DC experience is complete. Thankfully, no one was hurt. And if I had to get in an accident, this was absolutely the best guy with whom it could happen. (Well, on second thought, it wouldn't have hurt if he was younger, single and cute, but...) At any rate, he was quite gracious (uncharacteristic for this area). The cop, too, was incredibly nice. It ended up being an unreported incident as far as the Fairfax County Police Department is concerned. So, I'm counting my blessings and double checking my blindspots -- especially now that I'm out a passenger side mirror!

Confessions of an Africa Addict Part 2*

2007-03-16T10:39:00.000-05:00

* subject to change
click here for Part 1 (Disclaimer: it's a bit raw...)

A godly woman from my home church recently emailed and asked, "Anything particular we can be praying with you for now?" Her email made me realize how grateful I am for the wisdom and care of older, mature Christians. I really think one of the key components in developing a living, thriving faith in generations to come is mentor relationships. I am so grateful for people like the Masons; their presence in the church as well as in my life is invaluable.

Following is an excerpt from my email response.

Since coming to DC, my desire to work in Africa is only stronger (not in any way a negative reflection on my time here). I'm pursuing opportunities to, in the near future, spend 1 year + in Africa. I'm specifically feeling drawn to Central Africa (Sudan, Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Kenya) -- probably, in part, because I am most knowledgeable about the circumstances in these areas. If I had to label the target population I desire to work with, the biblical phrase that comes to mind is "the fatherless and the widow" -- this is where my heart lies. Currently I'm looking into opportunities to work with several different organizations, but I'm wide open to other options.

These past few months have been (and continue to be) a time of honing my focus, reevaluating, questioning (i.e. Do I really have what it takes to live/work in Africa for an extended period of time? Can I truly be of any help, or am simply seeking to satisfy personal desires?), and seeking the Lord.

A contact who recently returned from working Uganda and pursuing a dream to start her own NGO there wrote, "The funny thing about a dream is that it requires it be surrendered over and over again to something greater than ourselves because otherwise we will get in the way of it." I think there's a lot of wisdom in what she's saying. I want the dreams of my heart to be in line with God's heart and will for me and for Africa.

So...that's the latest greatest on my end. Nothing conclusive, really; still in process. (I suppose that will be the case until the day I die!)

EAD Conference Update

2007-03-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

The Ecumenical Advocacy Days conference went well. Thank you to all who prayed, inquired and/or were mindful of this event. The ecumenical experience is somewhat new for me. It was interesting...

My primary involvement in this conference was in developing the prayer room. I also had the privilege of helping facilitate Andrew Briggs’ involvement with our (Africa Track) Child Soldiers workshop. Andrew just returned from Uganda where he was using art as a form of therapy with former child soldiers. He spoke on a panel re: the issue of children in combat and exhibited the artwork of the children he worked with in Uganda, bringing a poignant perspective to the discussion.

I've uploaded pictures from the conference to Flickr for all who are interested. Check them out by clicking on the flickr badge in the left side bar of my blog.

Remind Me

2007-03-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

On his live recording, "Remind Me", P.W. Gopal says something to the effect of, “I really believe that God puts people in our lives to remind us that he has never forgotten us...” In my life, I have found that to be true time and time again! Last week began with a visit from my dear friend, Alicia, from MI. We had a wonderful time together. I love how different friends reflect the heart of God in different ways. Lish is a friend who reminds me to slow down, keep it simple, laugh, savor life, and find good in every situation. I’m so grateful for this!

Not a Friend's Friend

2007-03-10T20:08:00.000-05:00

I find it hard to believe what I have just read. I've been busy. Emails have been piling up in my inbox. I just opened an email fwd. from a name I didn't recognize with the subject line, "A family from Grace Community Church Needs Major Help." At first glance, it looked like another sad prayer/money request for someone I didn't know - a friend's friend. Then I start reading the details: 7 kids in the family, another one on the way...husband/father just suffered a major aneurism that took his life... He was only 37... His name was Bill. At this point, I started to connect the dots, while thinking/hoping I was wrong. No. It couldn't be Bill Hermonat...could it? No. I scrolled down through my inbox and opened a couple of other telling emails. My fear was confirmed: Bill Hermonat, who used to attend my church, whose kids I babysat, died of an unexpected brain aneurism on Thursday. Period. End of sentence. Bill died. BILL HERMONAT died.

Oh, Jesus. My heart is heavy for the Hermonat family. Bill had no life insurance and the family has no health insurance, so in the wake of this horrific, unexpected tragedy, Kim (wife/mom) is also faced with overwhelming financial burdens. The kids must be devestated... Kim must be in shock... God, be near.

Some thoughts:

I need to call my family and let them know I love them.

"Each man's life is but a breath" -Psalm 39:5b

“…I used to believe that trusting God’s goodness meant I would not be hurt. But having been hurt quite a bit, I know God’s goodness goes deeper than all pleasure and pain – it embraces them both.” - Gerald May, Simply Sane

Folks reading this post who are interested in providing financial support for the Hermonat family can find more information on how to do so here.

Crowds v. Closets

2007-03-09T00:17:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Tara Leo for the use of this precious photo!

This weekend the Africa Faith and Justice Network (organization I'm interning with), in conjunction with a wide number of Christian denominations nationwide, is hosting a conference with the theme, "and How are the Children?" We've been working on this for a while now. I'm thrilled that the powers that be are allowing me to put together a prayer room for the weekend. In DC there is such focus on changing policy, petitioning law makers etc. While I recognize the importance of this advocacy work, my hope is that the prayer room will serve as a reminder of our need to draw from the source of true change -- the power of the Holy Spirit, our great Advocate. I keep reminding myself that even if only five people come, this will be a success, for as George MacDonald asserts, "God's greatest work has never been done in crowds, but in closets."

Conversations

2007-03-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

Sara Groves

I don't know how to say this, I don't know how to stand,
I don't know where to put my feet, or where to put my hands.
I've got them in my pockets, my fingers are freezing cold,
they're wrapped around a ticket stub that's four weeks old,
and I don't know how to say this.

I think we've figured out this world is bigger than you and I.
We've exhausted our wealth of knowledge
and have no more answers for mankind.

We've had every conversation in the world
about what is right and what has all gone bad,
but have I mentioned to you that this is all I am,
this is all that I have.

I'm not trying to judge you.
That's not my job.
I am just a seeker too, in search of God.
Somewhere somehow this subject became taboo.
I have no other way to communicate to you.
This is all that I am. This is all that I have.

I would like to share with you what makes me complete.
I don't claim to have found the Truth, but I know it has found me.
The only thing that isn't meaningless to me
is Jesus Christ and and way he set me free.
This is all that I have.
This is all that I am...

I don't know how to say this,
I don't where to start
I just know that I care for you
and I'm speaking from my heart

Confessions of an Africa Addict Part 1*

2007-03-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

* subject to change

I've been corresponding with a friend on the whole "missions" thing. I love what he writes here:

...God puts these things in our personalities and then waits for us to get it, or get so unsettled that we seek out that which will settle us... all my excuses are sounding hollow now or false, self-induced. I don't want to merely go to a people group with skin darker then mine (and therefore in "need" of my pity) and preach the gospel... I think Jesus meant us to go to a place and be/do/show/live The Gospel(!) of the cross, but also the empty tomb, equally... Maybe the missionary needs the people group more then they need him/her, or maybe the people group will be cold and closed or even hostile. No matter. The Gospel is more then a sinner's prayer; it's loving others enough that you work for their best even if they never reciprocate your love. So it's justice, care, education, protection, etc. The cross is just the beginning; Jesus was all about life, and newness, and healing, and looking out for people who couldn't look out for themselves because some have resources others NEED, and believing/doing the impossible in spite of ourselves...

"...believing/doing the impossible in spite of ourselves..."

I want to go to Africa. I feel "called" to go to Africa. I want to work with children - children with AIDS, child soldiers, orphans... I want to go; I want to get my hands dirty. And yet, sometimes the thought scares the shit out of me. Who am I to go to Africa? Who am I to think that I can be of any help? I fear I may crumble under the sorrow of the suffering in Africa that calls to me. I don't know if I can deal with the insecurity that will, no doubt, accompany me if I go... What if I come back ruined? What if I come back and no longer believe in a loving God? What if I drown in a sea of despair? What if I'm alone, all alone, too alone... This is not exactly the type of material I can use in a prayer/support letter, but it's the cold hard truth about where I'm at right now.

Yay for Old Friends!

2007-02-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

This Weekend was marked by two special connections:

1) Katie Van Gilder (who is currently living in Philidelphia, PA) and I met half way in Aberdeen, MD for lunch on Friday. In a few days Katie will be heading off to Romania to work with New Horizons (a.k.a. Viata). Read more about her adventures here. I'm so excited for her as she steps out in this new venture!

2) Gary Ulrich (the Ulrich family attended GCC a while ago), his sweet new bride, Carol, and I enjoyed church and lunch together today. It was SOOO fun to hear their story!

It is absolutely wonderful to reconnect with old friends. What a treat!

Stuff I Should Know By Now

2007-02-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

Stuff I Should Know By Now:
1) Missionary dating is rarely effective (and often far more trouble than it's worth).
2) When you have to throw up, do it and get it over with. Though the impending action is awful, you know you're going to feel better when it's over. (Yes, that statement is laden with double meaning.)

Giving Up Religion for Lent

2007-02-21T20:16:00.000-05:00

My friend, Dave Richarson, coined a great phrase that has been running through my mind today: I'm giving up religion for Lent. Here's an excerpt from the song he wrote (copyright 2005):

i'm giving up religion for lent
i'm giving up this halo and my pseudo-holiness
i know the way i live and it's not the best i can
i'm just a dirty, ragamuffin man

you're not just the way to heaven
you're the truth exposing me
you're the life that I could never live and it covers me
the truth that exposes me is the same truth that sets me free...free

and i've got know grand illusions
i can hear the rooster crow
and i know before this night is through i'll deny i ever knew you
and what's worse is i can not be sure that i will even care
but i want to...i want to

i'm giving up religion for lent...

Art, Child Soldiers and Uganda

2007-02-16T19:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'm getting together with a guy who just returned from from doing art workshops and photography with former child soldiers in a refugee camp in Northern Uganda. I'm really excited about this meeting; I think it's pregnant with potential. I'm intrigued because what this guy is doing is so much in line with my heart and passions: 1)Using art/creative communication as a processing tool & 2)Working with children in Africa. Further, the artwork kids produce could provide a MAJOR platform for advocacy work in the U.S. -- perhaps something along the lines of the Born Into Brothels documentary... Who knows where this could lead...?

I'm not an Oprah fan, but...

2007-02-13T23:56:00.000-05:00

Just received an email (excerpt follows) from a friend today re: Oprah's Valentine's Day show:

Emmanuel [one of the Lost Boys of Sudan] is a close friend of mine. I have known him since hearing him a persecuted church conference in Columbia, SC in 2001. He is one of the most humble lovers of God I have ever met...

...help [Emmanuel] get his story to Homeland Security which has prevented him from getting any US and Canadian agreement to grant his wife a visa to move to the US with him where he is attending pre-med schooling at UNC in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

For more information, check out Compassionate Action's web site.

Adventures in Odyssey

2007-02-11T16:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I’m on some kind of wild, crazy adventure. Granted, it doesn’t always feel like an adventure: quite often it feels like purposefully plodding along; sometimes it feels like I’ve altogether lost my way; at other points, it feels like waiting for an answer from a cold, hard stone. But when I take a step back and get a better perspective, the trail I’ve been on and web of connections is so complex and yet so...God-ordained.... And I know I’m not the only one on this journey.

I’m meeting some cool people here in DC. The network of Africa advocates never ceases to amaze me... Who knows where this will lead? It’s an adventure.

Bring it On Home

2007-02-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

Before parting ways over Christmas, Shell (my dear NH roommate) gave me a CD to listen to – Little Big Town, The Road to Here. Knowing that I would be preparing to leave for DC while she was gone, she said, “I think you might appreciate some of these songs right now.” She was right on! Though I’m usually fairly careful about pirating (stop laughing, Doug), I couldn’t resist copying one (and only one!) of the songs from this CD into my music library: Bring it On Home.

I often associate seasons of my life with particular songs. Sometimes lyrically and musically, certain pieces just so aptly describe who you are, where you’re at, what’s going on in your head... Bring it on Home has been one of those for me. I remember cleaning out my room in Shell’s condo, listening to this album, and this song just striking such a deep chord in my heart....

Bring it on Home
You got someone here wants to make alright
Someone who loves you more than life, right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night, right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barley drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can, right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind

[Chorus]
Baby let me be you safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away

[Chorus]
You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here

Granted, the audience here is obviously a lover and the context is some type of romantic relationship. Yet, I can’t help but take this as the heart of God, speaking to me. Theologically, I know there are issues with that approach (romanticizing God, self-centeredness etc.), but I don’t really care.

I especially love the line “I know your heart can get all tangled up inside, but don't you keep it to yourself...” I feel like my heart gets tangled up inside quite often - tangled up in relationships, in theology, in over-analyzing, in trying to do the right thing, in my own self-centeredness... and all I really know to do is “bring it on home”.

Joy in the Journey

2007-02-05T21:50:00.001-05:00

Quite a few years ago I remember reading a poem that has stuck with me. I don’t remember the specific wording, but I can paraphrase:

First, I was dying to finish school, get a job, live on my own.
Then, I was dying to get married.
Then I was dying to have kids.
Then I was dying for the kids to grow up and move out so I could enjoy the empty nest.
Then I was dying to retire.
Then I realized I was dying, and I had never really lived.

I had a conversation last night with a woman in her first year of marriage. We chatted about the human tendency to long for “the next best thing” – whatever that may be. I’m struck by how often I do this in my own life, rather than cultivating an attitude of contentment and living in the present. I wonder about the tension between healthy discontent (I do think there is a place for this) and enjoying the present...

The Heart of the Matter

2007-02-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

"When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her. It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed."

- Mother Theresa

My friend, Tara, passed that quote along to me. WOW. Man, that's convicting... I'm in the middle of trying to figure out how I need to respond to this concept -- how am I to live my life in light of this? Because it's not just some great quote from Mother T; correct me if I'm wrong, but this concept seems to be pretty much in line with the heart of God:

James 1:27
James 2:15-26
1 John 3:17
Isaiah 58:10-11
Psalm 146:5-9
Luke 3:10-11
Matthew 25:31-40
Acts 2:42-47

But here's the thing, there's also this nice little scripture in 1 Corinthians 13 that says,"If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing." This scripture seems to imply that it's possible to "...give that person what he or she needed", but from completely wrong motives (i.e. without love). I'm not suggesting that the possibility of action springing from wrong motives should demobilize us, I'm just recognizing that the heart of the matter starts with my heart in the matter.

"How can you worship a homeless Man on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?" There's a great story behind this quote, involving Shane Claiborne (best known for his book The Irresistable Revolution) and his experience with homeless folks who were living in an abandoned church. Definitely worth checking out. Also, my friend Sue D. raises some great points along these lines in her blog entry entitled, "Prayer Summit."

Thoughts?

Willing vs. Going

2007-01-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

I met some wonderful people last night via mutual friends in NH (Thanks, Sandy and Mike!) Some folks you just click with right away... Kathryn, ChiChi, and Yared were those kind of people – incredibly welcoming, full of life, and fun to be around. It felt good to laugh a lot with them. After meeting at Starbucks and then picking up snacks at the grocery store, we made our way to their church for a gathering. A missionary family home on furlough from Papua New Guineau gave a powerful, moving presentation. I’m left to struggle with the blurry line between guilt and conviction.

For a while my prayer/mantra has been, essentially, “If you lead me, Lord, I will follow. Where you lead me, I will go...” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this kind of prayer, but I was challenged last night by Peter (the main guy who shared) to be the kind of person who says, “I’m not just willing, I’m going.” In some ways, I wonder if [for me] being “willing to go” (to Africa and/or somewhere in the developing world where people have little or no access to the gospel) has been somewhat of a cop-out, an excuse for not actually going.

To be honest, the guy who shared last night was a little too “evangelical” for my taste. Additionally, while talking with him afterwards I realized his take on women in ministry was, in my humble opinion, a bit narrow. (Friends who know me well, you would be proud: I didn’t challenge his assertion that women shouldn’t be in a position where they are teaching men except to say that I thought there was good biblical scholarship on both sides of the equation, and I let it go at that. Impressive, huh?) Theological disagreements aside, I can’t ignore what this family’s example and presentation is bringing up in my life... I was reminded last night of facts, figures and scripture that I know I’ve heard in a myriad of different ways before, and yet needed to hear again.

Here are some of the factors compelling me to go and work in the developing world (by no means an exhaustive list):

-“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” - Luke 12:48 (NIV)
I KNOW I have been given much...

- While the Western world is permeated with access to the gospel, millions of people (specifically those in the “10-40 Window”) have never heard of Jesus. In light of this stark reality, the following quote by John Keith Falconer is incredibly poignant: "I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light.”

-“I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me." -Acts 26:17b-18 (NIV)

-God stirs the hearts of his people to be involved in his work (Ex. 36:2); my heart is stirred to work with people in developing countries!

Here are some of my objections to going (again, by no means an exhaustive list):

-My Current Paradigm: I don’t like talking about hell; I’d much rather ignore the concept. Further, I’m not really comfortable with the blanket statement “unsaved people go to hell” because I think we, as Christians, have in many ways emasculated the concept of salvation. (There’s a lot more I could expound on here, but for now I will refrain suffice to say that I am not promoting a Unitarian Universalist approach.) It’s much easier to abdicate responsibility under this paradigm.

- Contextualization Issues: In years past missionaries have done far more harm than good in their efforts to “evangelize.” Are Americans/Westerners really useful in the developing world? Are we able to properly contextualize the gospel?

-Fear: Moving to DC has been challenging enough for me; moving to Africa could potentially be incredibly lonely, isolating, hard... (Imagine, having to suffer a bit for the gospel...gasp!)

So.....yeah. This is some of what I’ve been thinking about lately.

Perseverence

2007-01-25T13:21:00.001-05:00

Sometimes my brother, James, gives the wisest advice. The other night I was on the phone with him, sharing some of my struggle adapting. He basically said, “Jen, you just have to persevere. It’s hard at first, but it will get better and you’ll be a better person for struggling through this. You’re a strong person, Jen...and you can call me anytime.” How I love that boy! He hit the nail on the head – exactly what I needed to hear.

So, I just had a meeting with the guy who is coordinating worship and prayer for the upcoming Ecumenical Advocacy Days conference. This meeting developed as a result of the prayer room proposal I referenced in an earlier post. I’m so excited! It seems like most of the people involved in this conference are (understandably) rather preoccupied with developing their tracks. Therefore, the worship/prayer element has, to some extent, fallen by the wayside. I feel that the worship/prayer element is one of the most important components, so I am absolutely THRILLED to be involved on this front. It seems that there is an open door to invest here and (hopefully) not a lot of red tape/bureaucracy to deal with. Score!

Here's my heart behind this: it seems that in DC there is significant focus on education, changing policy, advocating on Capitol Hill etc. (big surprise, right?) There’s definitely a place for all of this; I know it’s important. However, at the risk of sounding like an arrogant, over-spiritualizing pessimist, if we’re not encouraging people to get on their knees before the God who “holds the hearts of kings in his hand”, I dare say we’re completely missing the point -- especially as faith-based organizations.

I think there’s a unique opportunity here. A wise friend who has a heart for prayer brought up an excellent point:
"...because of the ecumenical nature of this conference, there may be some (or perhaps many) people attending that are not even believers. They are attracted to the "good works" part of religion purely on the basis of their good works...but they really have no concept of the Lordship of Christ and may in fact disagree with that concept if you got into a discussion of it. With this in mind...if it were me...I would want to add one element. That is the element of knowing in my heart that actual intercession that had been pleasing to God and touched his very heart had gone on in that prayer room. I would make sure that I spent time in the room praying in two different ways: 1) for the needs that you have displayed around the room; and 2) for the attendees of the conference to be touched by the heart of God...I would be seriously praying for people to be doing good works...not for the sake of good works...but for the sake of the kingdom of God."
Feel free to join me in prayer along these lines!

I Want to Be Like the Newspaper Guys

2007-01-25T13:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I nearly bust out in tears on some poor, innocent parking lot attendant when he told me he couldn’t accept my SmarTrip card or VISA – only cash. After driving for what seemed like forever in DC traffic (in reality, only about an hour), I had arrived at the Vienna Metro station only to find absolutely NO parking available. I contemplated parking in a reserved space and dealing with the consequences later. Instead, I drove on to the next Metro station hoping to find parking there. After more crazy DC traffic, colorful language (moving here has provided no incentive whatsoever to curb this), and coming to grips with the fact that I was going to miss my 9:30AM meeting on the Hill, I finally arrived at the next station. The situation was exactly the same: absolutely no parking (except for those damn reserved parking spaces, which are SOOOO tempting!)

As I pulled out of the Metro lot, across the street there was a sign: “Metro Parking $4”. I scurried over and found myself in the situation I opened with – at the end of my rope and about to cry when I was told they only accepted cash. Kindly, the parking attendant pointed me in the direction of an ATM and allowed me to park my car temporarily while I retrieved the necessary cash. After paying for my space, I drove into the garage and let the tears fall. I suppose I wasn’t crying so much out of the frustration of DC traffic, the parking situation, or the fact that I had missed my meeting. I think I just needed to let myself release all the pent up emotion that has come with starting over in DC. I don’t want to go back to my familiar, comfortable life, but sometimes it’s really hard to be here.

This morning, though I left ½ an hour earlier than yesterday, I once again sat in insane traffic. Thankfully, when I finally arrived at the Metro station I was able to get a parking spot on the top floor of the parking garage. Yay! The African American “Newspaper Guys” whom I have come to know and love, stood at the entrance of the station, passing out the "Express" and wishing everyone a good day. I didn’t want a paper, but that didn’t matter; I still received a warm, exuberant, “You have a nice day now, you hear?”

In a place where the sheer number or people is overwhelming (most noticeable on the Metro during peak hours, when you feel like a herd of cattle) and everyone seems to be consumed in their own world, the newspaper guys are a striking source or joy, beautiful simplicity and Christ-like love. Yeah, love. I know that’s a strong word to use, and maybe I’m wrong; maybe their actions are not motivated by love. Yet, reading between the lines, every morning they stand at the Metro entrance and communicate a message to people that says: “You are valuable; you are worth a moment of my time, regardless of your S.E.S. (Socio-Economic Status), race, gender, age, position etc. AND regardless of whether or not you accept what I offer....” And isn’t that the crux of the gospel message? I’ve decided that I want to be more like the newspaper guys.

Chocolate Chip Cookies on Capitol Hill (Week 2 in Review)

2007-01-19T17:12:00.000-05:00

I made chocolate chip cookies and brought them to a mtg. on The Hill this week. Actually, my intention was to bring the cookies into the office, but I decided to break ‘em out early. Probably not the most professional thing to do, but I think it was a hit (either that, or people were just being charitable...). Besides, these are NGO (Non Government Organization) people; it’s not like they’re beyond enjoying homemade chocolate chip cookies.

I’m not as intimidated by DC as I was last week. (Many thanks for the thoughtful emails, prayers, and words of encouragement.) After the mtg. on Tuesday (the choc. chip cookie mtg.), I approached the Africa Track Chair Person about the possibility of putting together a prayer room for all who attend the Ecumenical Advocacy Day conference for which we are preparing. This woman directed me to the Conference Coordinator, whom I ended up meeting later on that day when I stopped by his office to pick up publicity postcards. In the few minutes that I had to chat with this guy, I mentioned the prayer room idea. I’m not sure if I should have done this so soon after meeting him, but I did. He suggested I put together a proposal. (I think that’s what everyone says when they don’t want to give you a definite answer.) So I’ve put together a proposal/brainstorm and just sent it to him. We'll see where this goes...

Prayer Room Brainstorm

2007-01-19T17:11:00.000-05:00

Creative Friends of Mine (and anyone else who is interested):
The following is my Prayer Room brainstorm. A lot of this is based on stuff some of us experimented with at Grace when we were doing The Living Room Sessions. I'm open to any thoughts/resource suggestions/constructive criticism... Bear in mind, this is for an ecumenical advocacy conference (more information at: www.advocacydays.org). The audience will primiarily be made up of ministry leaders and lay people from many different Christian backgrounds. I tried to be sensitive to this in the different stations. The theme of the conference is "...and How are the Children?"

http://invitationtoprayer.org/
(This is just an idea of how we might frame the Prayer Room option)

Prayer Room Brainstorm (Cont.)

2007-01-19T16:57:00.000-05:00

Premise:
- Prayer is a common denominator among most denominations/faith traditions; this room will serve as a unifying force during the conference.
- "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Jesus (Matt.7:7-8)
- "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." – Jesus (Matt.18:19-20)
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. – John (1 John 5:14-15)

Objectives:
- Create a place for conference attendees to connect with God in a personal, more intimate way than during the corporate Worship/Preaching/Track time
- Offer a space for attendees to consider and respond to what they feel God is putting on their hearts in light of the information they will be exposed to during the course of the conference
- Foster a sense of unity and purpose among attendees from various denominations/faith backgrounds

Needed:
- A room
- Anyone who is interested in helping develop this idea

Logistics:
- The prayer room will be open 24-7 for anyone to use
- The prayer room will be divided into sections/stations, providing opportunities for people of all Christian backgrounds to engage with God and, to some extent, with one another. Stations may include (but are not limited to):

1) Prayer Station

http://www.rosaryshop.com/graphics/kneeler/walnut01.jpg

Posted Instructions: Take a moment to pray here. You can use one of the prayers we have provided [selected excerpts from the Book of Common Prayer and other similar historical/biblical resources such as A Prayer of St Francis, A Prayer for Refugees (From: http://invitationtoprayer.org/), The Lord’s Prayer etc.] or your own words. Pour out your heart to God. Respond to what you have been exposed to this weekend.

Romans 8:26-27 (NIV) In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. [27] And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

2. Prayer Candles
Posted Instructions: Light a candle to represent your prayer to God

http://www.bustedhalo.com/pictures/how2pray_candles.jpg

3. Praying with Images
- Creatively display a myriad of images from various cultures (children, living conditions, scenes etc.)
Posted instructions: Find an image you are drawn to and pray for whatever it brings to mind.
- Post images combined with quotes (scripture, fact, quote) along a wall for people to use as a prayer guide.

4. lectio divina
Seek in READING,
and you will find in MEDITATION
Knock in PRAYER
and it will be opened to you
in CONTEMPLATION
- St. John of the Cross

Will provide a more thorough explanation of this monastic practice along with a creative display of selected scriptures to read/meditate/pray/contemplate.

5. Prayer Wall
Posted Instructions: World Vision founder, Bob Pierce, is known for this simple, yet powerful prayer: “Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God!” Take a moment to write out your prayer and/or a prayer request for children around the world and post it here.

http://www.eastern.edu/academic/campolo/inst/ccda/images/PrayerPhotos/PrayerWall.jpg

6. Prayer Art
Provide a table with various art supplies.
Posted Instructions: Use materials provided to express your heart to God through art. Post your prayer art for others to contemplate, or feel free to take it home with you.

Thoughts from an Introspective Soul

2007-01-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

It’s interesting to note what moving to a new location brings to the surface. You think you know yourself...

Surface of pond behind my condo

I was talking with a dad of two earlier this week. He said something to the effect of, “You know, after we had our first [child], we thought we were doing pretty well with the whole parenting thing. People would have problems with their kids and we’d be like, ‘What are you talking about? You just need to __________.’ Then we had our second child, and everything changed. We realized we didn’t have this parenting thing down as well as we thought...”

I think moving can provide an experience similar to what this guy described. You think you know yourself pretty well. Then you move and realize, “maybe I don’t have this life thing down as well as I thought...” Don’t get me wrong. Moving is great: It’s great to have a fresh start. It is wonderful to learn new things, see new things, experience new things, meet new people etc. I'm not interested in going backwards for the sake of my own comfort and convenience. And yet, to borrow a line from the old Cheers theme song, sometimes you just “...want to go where everybody knows your name.”

So, here’s what moving to DC, building a new social circle and starting a new and semi-new job has brought to the surface for me: the need to prove myself. I’ve decided that I don’t like this feeling very much. For all I care, the intelligent, ambitious, over-achieving, name-dropping DC professional types can shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. And for that matter, so can anal-retentive coffee shop folks. (Side note: This is where I start to understand how blogging can be a bad thing -- it’s far too easy to share your true feelings/thoughts, click a button, and publish them for the world to see without thinking through the potential consequences of your actions... I may later regret this post and have to do some editing, so enjoy the real me while it’s up.)

Unfortunately, my ranting and raving about others does not fix the true problem. The true problem is internal; the root problem is me. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be the kind of person that feels she needs to prove herself to any [wo]man and, more importantly, I don’t want to be the type of person who makes people feel like they need to prove themselves to me. What does it mean to truly reflect the generous and gracious heart of God in my interactions with others? I wonder what that looks like... How does that play out?

I had dinner with a friend on Thursday night. It was like a breath of fresh air to talk, laugh, debate etc. without having to worry about leaving a good first impression. (Informal Poll: How do you pronounce the word lawyer -- law with a soft "a", or law with an "oi" sound?)

Today I went back to The Common Table for church. We took Communion in small groups, preceded by a time of reflection and confession. I shared my struggle with the need to prove myself (in a more tactful way than expressed in this post). People listened and empathized. Others shared their own struggles. It felt good to be real with a group of fellow sojourners.

"...and How are the children?"

2007-01-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children."
– Dietrich Bonheoffer

The organization I am interning with (Africa Faith and Justice Network), in conjunction with the annual Ecumenical Advocacy Days for Global Peace With Justice (a movement of the ecumenical Christian community), is hosting a conference with the theme, "and How are the Children?" Following is a snapshot of the event:

In 2007, March 9-12, we will gather for the fifth annual Ecumenical Advocacy Days conference. Our theme, "and How are the Children?" will guide and inspire this gathering of over 1,000 religious advocates from a wide array of Christian communions. Experts will train participants how to do advocacy and inform them of U.S. domestic and international policies that impact all of God's children and are shaping the future of our world. The gathering will conclude with a visit to Capitol Hill where participants will ask their Congressional representatives to make the needs of children the center of the 2007 legislative agenda.

The Ecumenical Advocacy Days event is a joint initiative of numerous faith-based organizations. More information at: http://www.advocacydays.org/

If you're interested in attending and short on cash, I can probably arrange free lodging. ;) Feel free to pass this information along to anyone who might be interested.

The Power of Listening

2007-01-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

"...Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been entrusted to them by the one who is indeed the great listener and in whose work they are to participate. We should listen with the ears of God, so that we can speak the Word of God."
- Bonhoeffer, from Life Together

Another bright spot

2007-01-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Just realized how depressing my last entry sounded -- alas, I guess that's honesty at its best. To paint a fuller picture, I should also report that I met a nice couple with two young kids on Sunday who invited me over for dinner tomorrow PM. I'm looking forward to this. I'm so grateful for friendly folks who reach out. :)

“I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto...”

2007-01-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting in the Senate office building coffee shop as I write. On my way to a meeting this morning, I walked past the Library of Congress and the Capitol. What the heck am I doing here?

During the meeting this morning, my stomach let out a loud growl (I forgot to eat breakfast). The guy next to me made light of the matter and quipped, “You’ve got to feed that thing!” How embarrassing! Note to self: eat breakfast. Oh, well. What can I do but laugh about it (and publish the incident on my blog so whole world can share in my DC initiation experiences)?

So, I’m giving this my best and barely holding my own. People here use words like “copasetic” in conversation. (Definition: adj. Very satisfactory or acceptable; fine. I had to look it up...) I love the intellectual and progressive environment here, but I’m also challenged by it. I think this NH girl is in a little over her head -- probably a good place to be as it causes me to daily “lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can’t climb” (to borrow a line from Bebo Norman).

On a more positive note, last night I met a great group of people who are putting together an Irresistible Revolution (book by Shane Claiborne) networking/discussion time on Saturday, January 27. My friend, Matt, invited me to take part in this endeavor (more information at: www.ordinaryradical.org). Should be cool. If nothing else, it will be good to meet some more people with similar hearts/passion for living out our faith.

Church Search Update 1

2007-01-07T15:19:00.001-05:00

So, as I mentioned previously, I decided to visit two churches today: The Common Table (http://www.marshillchurch.com/come.php) and Bridgeway242(http://www.bridgeway242.org/aboutus/index.html). I haven't attended Bridgeway's service yet (it's @ 6pm tonight), but just returned from The Common Table. I like it. The second I overheard someone swear during the course of a pre-service conversation, I knew this was going to be a place worth considering. ;)

Seems like The Common Table is a small community of people from different church backgrounds (Episcopal, Charismatic etc.). Three Sundays/month their worship service is held in a coffee shop (Jammin' Java), one Sunday/month their worship takes on some form of community service (painting a house, serving an Iraq refuge family etc.) Today we read through the book of James interspersed with worship and music from special guest Chris Joyner (http://www.chrisjoyner.com/discography/).

Apparently after the service every Sunday a number of people walk over to Chipotle for lunch. I was invited to join, so I did. (People were thoughtful and friendly - I love that!) As I inquired more about the church I learned that their essential doctrine is based on the Nicene Creed and the Eucharist; everything else is basically considered non-essentials (at least that's my understanding). Also, it seems like this is a hands-on/alternative worship type atmosphere - definitely a church I'd consider getting involved with. If nothing else, it's great to see the Spirit of God at work among the greater body of Christ.

Adventures on the DC Metro

2007-01-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

Last night I was talking with my new roommate, Heather, about the DC Metro. Heather mentioned that not long ago someone was arrested for eating in the station. (Apparently eating/drinking in the Metro system is illegal.) I found an article on the situation in the Washington Post. Check it out: Mouthful Gets Metro Passenger Handcuffs and Jail - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A22456-2004Jul28.html.

Today I decided to do a trial run on the Metro so I would be prepared to take it on Monday. Starbucks coffee in hand, I drove to the Vienna Metro Center (and didn't get lost!), parked in an appropriate spot (Not a handicap spot, Shell, you should be proud...), used the SmarTrip card my wonderful home group gave me, and finally sat down in the correct metro rail car (whew!). Then it occurred to me: I still had my Starbucks coffee in hand. Uh oh. No trash in sight. The risk of being thrown off the car, banned from forever using this key source of transportation, or arrested was imminent. I tried putting my coffee in my bag; that didn't work very well. Finally decided to sandwich the cup between my legs and cover it with my bag; this option proved to be a bit more secure. I proceeded to toss the cup of the coffee as soon as I got off at my next stop.

In addition to narrowly escaping arrest today, I learned a few things:
1) Escalator etiquette
If you plan to stand still and simply ride the escalator, stand to the right; if you plan to walk the escalator, go to the left. (Yes, folks, I've been living in NH for far too long...)
2) It's cool to walk from the Metro station to Trinity University (where the Africa Faith and Justice Network office is located) during the day, but not safe to do so at night (per Adam, the Trinity shuttle driver from Ethiopia).
3) BEFORE getting on the Metro rail, be SURE to double check what line you are boarding. (I took a lengthy detour on the blue line as I was coming home today b/c I thought I had boarded the orange line. Oops.)
4) There are a ton of mega churches in this area (Yippee! Ya'll know how much I LOVE mega churches...) After doing some online reconnaissance work, I think I'm going to check out two churches this Sunday: The Common Table (http://www.marshillchurch.com/come.php) and Bridgeway242 (http://www.bridgeway242.org/aboutus/index.html). Of course, nothing can take the place of Grace Community Church in Rochester, NH. :)

On another note, I think I’m going to do some informal research on the major points of deviation between Catholicism and Protestantism. A couple of key differences come to mind (granted, these are generalizations):
1) Grace-based vs. works-based mentality
2) Significant emphasis on Mary and worship of saints in Catholicism

What else? Any thoughts?

To my Catholic friends and family: I don’t mean to address this in a derogatory way, I’m just curious and coming at this from a Protestant perspective. I welcome other thoughts/perspectives as I explore this topic.

Saying "Goodbye" Sucks.

2007-01-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

Saved in my drafts folder is a great, really spiritual-sounding post I started writing a few days ago ("There's No Place Like Home") . I'm still going to publish it because I know it's true, but to be honest, my feelings don't quite match up right now. It is harder to leave my wonderful NH friends/family/church than I thought it would be. I know I need to make this move and I know God is going to use this for good in my life and I'm excited about this next step, but that doesn't change the fact that it's hard to say goodbye.

There's No Place Like Home (draft referred to earlier)
I keep coming back to this thought: home is not so much about a physical location or a certain group of people (not to say these things aren't important); rather, home is anywhere the Spirit of God dwells. If the Spirit of God dwells within my heart, I'm home - regardless of my surroundings. I find this thought to be quite comforting in light of the fact that I'm not really sure of what/where to call "home" these days.

Two songs come to mind:
1) Rich Mullins sings "I'm home anywhere, if You are where I am" (Not sure what song that line is from, but I know it's a Rich song)
2) Jami Smith wrote a song entitled (appropriately) "Home"; I think it's going to be my theme song for the next few weeks.

Home
Jami Smith

My heart fails
My mind falters
Sometimes my passion fades
Sometimes my desires change
Sometimes I turn my head and I look the other way

When I'm restless you are rest
When I'm helpless you are help
When I'm nervous you settle me
When I'm empty you fill me
When I've gone to far you gently bring me home
'Cause you are home

Home is where my history begins
Home is where you delight in me
Home is where your voice is in my ear
Home is where you dance with me

A Franciscan Benediction

2006-12-27T01:34:00.000-05:00

My Friend Ken sent the following Franciscan Benediction to me. I love it! May this be true of us.

A Franciscan Benediction:
May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done to bring justice and the love and life of Jesus to all OUR children and all OUR poor....

Trust, Prayer and Colorful Language

2006-12-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months I have found myself consistently identifying with this prayer:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

If I were more eloquent, I could have written these exact words myself! However, lest anyone think I'm more spiritual than I actually am, I must be honest and admit that my version [of this prayer] has often contained slightly more colorful language. ;)

Now that I have officially made the decision to serve as an intern with the Africa Faith and Justice Network in DC, I feel a greater degree of peace; it feels good to have a definite goal in sight after living in limbo for so long. While I am quite uncertain of where this internship will lead (Africa? Back to Grace? Extended work in the DC area?), I am certain of several things:
1) I feel reassured that God has not left me alone; He is with me no matter where I go
2) I know that being a follower of christ is the only way. No one/nothing else will do.
3) I am convinced that God longs for people to know him and His heart breaks for those who do not.

So. We'll see what God does with all this. In his book Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning writes, “Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.” Sometimes this whole trust thing is kind of hard for me.

Social Justice: The Greatest Threat to Christianity in the United States Today?

2006-12-14T13:05:00.000-05:00

If you had to pinpoint the greatest threat to Christianity in the U.S. today, what might you suggest?
The Gay Rights agenda?
The political “Left”?
The current state of abortion laws?
Or, for those of us with a more “liberal” theological perspective, perhaps the “Religious Right”?
“Evangelicals”?
The “post-Christian era”?

Granted, it is hard to narrow the issue down. As with most things in life, I doubt there is a black-and-white, one-size-fits-all answer. However, I do think this is a question worth asking. Following are my thoughts, based on conversations, observations, and experiences I have had over the past few years as a Christian, a student at UNH, and an individual concerned with social justice issues.

I think one of the greatest enemies of the faith among this next generation is the false belief that that being a “good person” involved in “good works” is “good enough.” I realize this is certainly not a new idea; we see concern for overemphasizing good works as far back (and further) as when the cannon struggled over whether or not to include the book of James in the New Testament. I make no claim to originality in my proposal! However, I do think the church is in a position now, more so than in years past, that necessitates recognizing and countering the “good works = good people = good enough” paradigm. Allow me to explain by offering a few examples.

Oprah Winfrey is doing a phenomenal job of getting the American public involved in responding to humanitarian needs. According to journalist Marcia Nelson in a recent interview on NPR, “...she (Oprah) has translated into general, mainstream language, the kinds of values that religions ordinarily or traditionally have taught us --virtues and practices like generosity, gratitude, forgiveness, self-examination, response to suffering...those are the kinds of messages that people have gotten from religions traditionally. And yet because these days there are not as many people in their houses of worship and a lot of them are in front of their T.V.s, Oprah can deliver a comparable kind of message and get to people; this message resonates.”

The ONE campaign is an ever-growing movement of 2 million people and over 70 NGOs. Their mantra: “help make poverty history.” Their goal: “...help Americans raise their voice as ONE against the emergency of AIDS and extreme poverty, so that decision makers will do more to save millions of lives in the poorest countries.” This united effort is making significant strides toward eliminating poverty/AIDS in Africa and around the world.

A recent Harvard Study asserts, “The spirit of volunteerism is alive and well; half of all 18 to 24 year olds are actively involved in community service and even more are interested in finding ways to get involved.”

Bono appealed to America’s political leaders in his recent Keynote Address at the 54th National Prayer Breakfast, “Check Judaism. Check Islam. Check pretty much anyone. The one thing we can all agree -- all faiths, all ideologies -- is that God is with the vulnerable and poor...
‘Do to others as you would have them do to you.’ Jesus says that.²
‘Righteousness is this: that one should give away wealth out of love for Him to the near of kin and to the orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and the beggars and for the emancipation of the captives.’ ³ The Koran says that.
‘Thus sayeth the Lord: Bring the homeless poor into the house, when you see the naked, cover him, then your light will break out -- then your light will be like the dawn and your recovery will be speedily and spring forth; then the Lord will be your rear guard.’ The Jewish Scripture says that.”

The Church is also recognizing its mandate and call to respond to social justice issues and be the hands and feet of Jesus. Over the past century, the evangelical world at large has oft neglected its duty to care for those whom Jesus referred to as “the least of these.” It seems that we are now seeing a resurgence of compassion. Many churches in the evangelical world are now placing great emphasis on putting faith into action (to cite a couple of leading examples: Bill Hybels/Willow Creek, Rick Warren/Purpose Driven Church etc.).

I welcome, fully support and strongly advocate for continued emphasis on the fact that biblical faith necessarily leads to action on behalf of the poor and the oppressed. We must preach this in our churches. I am not questioning this as a fundamental component of saving faith. I am, however, suggesting that in a time when social justice is the “in thing,” if the church is not careful, we will do nothing more than perpetuate this false belief that good works can save you.

The “good person” paradigm extends back to the Saducees and Pharisees of Jesus’ day – “whitewashed tombs” Jesus called them, because they looked great on the outside, but neglected the root problem of the heart, which is “deceitful above all things”. And 2,000 years later, not much has changed. We have a profound responsibility to address the heart behind the actions.

It is possible that this next generation’s humanitarian focus presents a unique opportunity to engage individuals in a dialogue of what true faith is all about. To do this, we must address the “WHY?” of our response to social injustice. We cannot afford to ignore the question of motivation: What is our motivation for serving the poor? Why do we bother to care? As we raise these questions, we must also be prepared to offer answers. Allow me to offer three suggestions.

1. Our response to injustice should be motivated by the belief that people are made in the image of God and, therefore, people are valuable.

2. Our response to injustice should be motivated by a desire to reflect the heart of God. We believe that God is a God who is for the oppressed and the marginalized, a God who is close to the brokenhearted. This belief motivates us to be a voice for the voiceless and inspires us to reflect the love and compassion of Christ in our own lives. In the book In His Image, Dr. Paul Brand asserts, “[God] is asking us to be the chief bearers of His likeness in the world. As spirit, He remains invisible on this planet. He relies on us to give flesh to that spirit, to bear the image of God.”

3. Our response to injustice should be motivated by a natural overflow of our own experience. We must recognize that, as Jerry Bridges so eloquently puts it, “On our best days we are never beyond the need of God’s grace, and on our worst days we are never beyond the reach of God’s grace.” The grace, redemption, and restoration Christ demonstrates in our own lives, allows us to empathize with others in need of this encounter.

Thoughts?