Confessions of an Africa Addict Part 1*

* subject to change

I've been corresponding with a friend on the whole "missions" thing. I love what he writes here:

...God puts these things in our personalities and then waits for us to get it, or get so unsettled that we seek out that which will settle us... all my excuses are sounding hollow now or false, self-induced. I don't want to merely go to a people group with skin darker then mine (and therefore in "need" of my pity) and preach the gospel... I think Jesus meant us to go to a place and be/do/show/live The Gospel(!) of the cross, but also the empty tomb, equally... Maybe the missionary needs the people group more then they need him/her, or maybe the people group will be cold and closed or even hostile. No matter. The Gospel is more then a sinner's prayer; it's loving others enough that you work for their best even if they never reciprocate your love. So it's justice, care, education, protection, etc. The cross is just the beginning; Jesus was all about life, and newness, and healing, and looking out for people who couldn't look out for themselves because some have resources others NEED, and believing/doing the impossible in spite of ourselves...

"...believing/doing the impossible in spite of ourselves..."

I want to go to Africa. I feel "called" to go to Africa. I want to work with children - children with AIDS, child soldiers, orphans... I want to go; I want to get my hands dirty. And yet, sometimes the thought scares the shit out of me. Who am I to go to Africa? Who am I to think that I can be of any help? I fear I may crumble under the sorrow of the suffering in Africa that calls to me. I don't know if I can deal with the insecurity that will, no doubt, accompany me if I go... What if I come back ruined? What if I come back and no longer believe in a loving God? What if I drown in a sea of despair? What if I'm alone, all alone, too alone... This is not exactly the type of material I can use in a prayer/support letter, but it's the cold hard truth about where I'm at right now.