I was talking with a dad of two earlier this week. He said something to the effect of, “You know, after we had our first [child], we thought we were doing pretty well with the whole parenting thing. People would have problems with their kids and we’d be like, ‘What are you talking about? You just need to __________.’ Then we had our second child, and everything changed. We realized we didn’t have this parenting thing down as well as we thought...”
I think moving can provide an experience similar to what this guy described. You think you know yourself pretty well. Then you move and realize, “maybe I don’t have this life thing down as well as I thought...” Don’t get me wrong. Moving is great: It’s great to have a fresh start. It is wonderful to learn new things, see new things, experience new things, meet new people etc. I'm not interested in going backwards for the sake of my own comfort and convenience. And yet, to borrow a line from the old Cheers theme song, sometimes you just “...want to go where everybody knows your name.”
So, here’s what moving to DC, building a new social circle and starting a new and semi-new job has brought to the surface for me: the need to prove myself. I’ve decided that I don’t like this feeling very much. For all I care, the intelligent, ambitious, over-achieving, name-dropping DC professional types can shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. And for that matter, so can anal-retentive coffee shop folks. (Side note: This is where I start to understand how blogging can be a bad thing -- it’s far too easy to share your true feelings/thoughts, click a button, and publish them for the world to see without thinking through the potential consequences of your actions... I may later regret this post and have to do some editing, so enjoy the real me while it’s up.)
Unfortunately, my ranting and raving about others does not fix the true problem. The true problem is internal; the root problem is me. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be the kind of person that feels she needs to prove herself to any [wo]man and, more importantly, I don’t want to be the type of person who makes people feel like they need to prove themselves to me. What does it mean to truly reflect the generous and gracious heart of God in my interactions with others? I wonder what that looks like... How does that play out?
I had dinner with a friend on Thursday night. It was like a breath of fresh air to talk, laugh, debate etc. without having to worry about leaving a good first impression. (Informal Poll: How do you pronounce the word lawyer -- law with a soft "a", or law with an "oi" sound?)
Today I went back to The Common Table for church. We took Communion in small groups, preceded by a time of reflection and confession. I shared my struggle with the need to prove myself (in a more tactful way than expressed in this post). People listened and empathized. Others shared their own struggles. It felt good to be real with a group of fellow sojourners.
4 comments:
I loved reading your thoughts of today...the real you shone through, you honesty and eloquence is truly something to be proud of...I will bookmark your blog so i cn read more. Don't edit a thing, it's great!
-picperfic
lawyer...definately "oi"
~ma~
Hey, Jen -
Blogger really sucks sometimes. I wrote this huge comment on your most recent post and the stupid thing just lost it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So, anyway, here's what I said:
First, we in the northeast - particularly Boston - say "lawyer" with an "oi" in the middle. But I can see the point of pronouncing it the other way. Sometimes I avoid the controversy and just say "attorney." HA!
Second, Barack Obama quoted an apt description of going to DC in his book, The Audacity of Hope. He said, "It's like trying to drink from a fire hose." Everyone feels that way. DC is where some of the more intelligent and well educated of our population go to work on things that impact our entire nation and the entire world. It follows that it would be a pretty big change for those of us who come from a rural NH background. I bet Carol Shea Porter is feeling just like you!
As far as proving yourself, I don't think you are wrong at all to feel that way, nor do I think a certain amount of proving of oneself is a bad thing. It depends on how you mean the term. And I don't think it is wrong for you to hold some expectation that others would "prove themselves" to you in some way.
If it means that you are going to have to prove yourself as someone to take seriously, whose opinion is carefully formed, and who speaks her true mind without prevarication and with tact, then there is nothing wrong with that. We all have to do that - even in the church! Don't you think I had to prove myself before I was allowed to teach or to lead worship? Of course!
If it becomes a competition thing, then it would be the unhealthy thing. But Proverbs says that a good name is to be desired above gold and silver. And to get that, you have to live it. So if that's proving yourself, it's perfectly fine.
If you want to live our grace, you might be one of the few who gives people the benefit of the doubt about their opinions, thoughts, plans, decisions, etc. But sometimes you'll gamble that and lose. Hopefully, cynicism won't set in.
By the way, I love the word "copasetic." Sort of related to the Italian word for understand that you hear in all the mob movies. Capiche?
Anyhow, I hope this is a little encouraging.
Miss you, Bud! Big virtual hug coming your way...
{{{{{{{{{{{{{JENNY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love you -
Sue D.
So Barack says DC is like "drinking from a fire hose", huh? Sounds like an apt description. By the way, I really like him. I started reading a chapter ("Faith") in his book, but have not yet finished it. Will have to do so. Did you enjoy the book?
Thanks for your encouragement and copasetic challenges. (Okay, maybe not the best use of the word, but I had to fit it in somewhere!) I get your point. In fact, as I'm writing I'm thinking of the scripture that says something to the effect of, "study to show yourself approved..." Hmmm. Where is that? Ah! Found it. 2 Tim. 2:15 (KJV) "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." Also found a couple of other scriptures along these lines:
Romans 14:17-18 (NIV)
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.
Romans 16:10 (NIV)
Greet Apelles, tested and approved in Christ. Greet those who belong to the household of Aristobulus.
2 Cor. 10:18 (NIV)
For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.
1 Thes. 2:4 (NIV)
On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
So....yeah. I guess this reinforces your point: there is a certain amount of healthy approval necessary - even (especially?) in the body of Christ. The phrase "pleasing to God AND approved by men" (Rom. 14:18) is intriguing to me. I'll have to percolate on that one for a little while.
At any rate, thanks for your thoughts and for the virtual Sue D. hug. Love ya!
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